Sarah R. Callender


In Body Stuff on August 1, 2010 at 9:20 am

So a Sunday morning seems about as good a time as ever to discuss fake breasts.

And for the record, I am neither pro nor con fake breasts. I am merely fascinated by them. Awed by their presence. Humbled by their pronounced prominence.

I think it’s weird that I’m so fascinated by them, given that I have always liked men. But take, for example, this one lady at the gym on Wednesday. There she was, her fit little self all spandexy and lululemoned out, even cute bright-colored workout shoes. Yet what was even more impressive than her get-up were her headlights. I am not kidding: perfect shape, perfect position, perfect nipples pointing straight out, rather than one aiming a little left-ward and the other maybe a little southward, as nipples are wont to do. It was hard not to be impressed by these girls.

“Hey, Boss,” I whispered to Husbandio. “Check out that lady. The one with the cute shoes. And for the record, I’ll understand if you want to be partnered up with her for those tubing exercises. I really will . . . I kind of want to be partnered up with her.”

Husbandio glanced around, all cool and casual. Then he turned back to me, shaking his head. “I can’t see her.” He pointed to his eyes. “I’m not wearing my contacts.”

Which was cool in that it meant maybe he would choose to partner up with me after all! But also not cool because I’m sorry, when I see breasts that fake and perfect, I like to discuss it with someone, even if it is mi husbandio.

Sweetie once asked me, “Mama, when am I going to get breast mints like yours?” After explaining that breath mints are what I eat in the car when I realized I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth, while breast mints are . . . well are not exactly anything,  I realized that I didn’t know if she wanted to get them, or if she feared getting them. Breasts and all breast-related baggage, can be complicated, no? Did Sweetie already sense those complications?

So maybe that’s part of my fascination. Maybe breasts and all their societal significance add to my curiosity, to the intrigue. Are there other women out there (you, for example) who are equally intrigued by the implants of others? And come on, are breast implants really any different than buying a padded, push-up, gel-cupped bra that promises to add TWO WHOLE SIZES? I don’t know. But I wonder . . .

I also wonder if next time we attend this particular class, Husbandio will come prepared, wearing his contacts. I kind of think he’d be nutters not to.

  1. And I supposed I shouldn’t only ask for the feedback and thoughts of women . . . didn’t mean to discriminate against Mark or Paul or Sean.

  2. Sarah, I too am fascinated by fake breasts. I’ve never ever had the desire to touch them, but I like to stare at them. If you should find yourself needing a fake breast fix, I highly recommend Roche Harbor. Great for FB sightings. Reisling kisses.

  3. And one other you ever find yourself being critical of fake breasts? I do, at times. When I see the young-ish wipper snapper at the gym with fakes I think “oh she’s so slutty” but really I’m just envious. And then there is the slightly older woman at the gym with fakes who has survived breast cancer and I want to hug her and yell “congrats” at the top of my lungs. What’s with dat?

  4. Well, speaking for ALL lesbians, as the in-house Lesbian Laureate, I can say that I am decidedly NOT fascinated by fake breasts. I AM, however, fascinated by ALL other types of breasts….The fake breast fascination might just be a unique quirk of the straight world.

  5. I never understood why women ever wanted breast implants until I started nursing! I loved my larger, perkier breasts! I have always had an athletic body, which I appreciated, but having larger breasts made me feel so feminine. Unfortunately, nursing forever is out of the question and so I have had to say goodbye to them twice now. The results after nursing has not been all that pleasing, but I don’t think I can go under the knife knowing my luck. I would end up with one breast larger than the other (which did happen to a friend of a friend of mine). I guess I will have to settle for the push up, gel cup, or whatever you want to call it bras after my third and LAST time of nursing. I will enjoy it as much as I can! 🙂

  6. My previous two responses (deleted) were too juvenille for such an esteemed medium. What they were both about (in a giggling, finger pointing way) was, just where does the fascination with large breasts come from? I’m sure the Freudians will line up to chime in on the subject, but what interests me (aside from breasts) is what different physical qualities were considered attractive in certain socities and certain times. For example, I read that in Japan it was once considered attractive for a woman to black out her teeth. Geishas mostly. Yuck for us though, right? Not them. Or small feet. The Chinese used to bind woman’s feet to make them smaller (so I’ve heard). Those gents would probably look around the gym and think, “Oh yeah. Check out the babe with the small feet and the black teeth!”

    So where’d this all come from?

    Well, I’m going to go read Maxim now.

  7. Middle-of-The-Road-ville, Population: Me.
    I still can’t decide whether I’m pro or con the ol’ (or, rather, brand new) fake breasts, but go figure; they exist despite my waffling. Having produced – and fed – a child from my own set of ladies, I can definitely see the appeal of augmentation. On the other hand, why? I stop myself from buying a $35 bottle of conditioner guaranteed to de-friz my jew-fro, so why would I drop a grand (or, likely, more) on fake breasts that only my husband and I would see? At least EVERYONE would get to enjoy my shiny locks… unless I decided to go around topless…

    Again, completely undecided.

  8. Ah yes. Boobs. It seems you and I have had this fascination for a long while, haven’t we, Sarah? (Does this look, ahem, familiar? )

    I love the idea of breast mints. I thought Anna was referring to one’s nipples. What a lovely concept.

    And congrats, Midori, on number three! Wow!

  9. …and why is it boobs feel the need to shrink after nursing? all i can say is hooray to all the A’s!

  10. Sarah, I am finally catching up on the archives of your blog — fabulous reading! — and this sweet little NYT article about decidedly non-augmented breasts was perfect to add to this post. 🙂

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